I fell in love with my man. I felt it suddenly, I didn't even know what's wrong, or if there was anything wrong, but I just felt like everything was spinning out of control, and I hate wasn't being in control. It was hurt inside. I hate when it hurts. Suddenly, there was a woman killed my beloved man. She’s only woman. A pregnant woman. You know who’s she? She’s me. Disposal woman… Paid woman... trouble with the law... life in a prison.... A love of life, of woman and man? I see much of a devil an occasionally aristocrat... kept his head, kept hiding his secrets... He was determined haven’t any life regrets. How did he keep his fake? Nearly few years locked up. Right before death I gave him his favorite joy... at that time, I needed to kill him... as the time gone by, only two choices of my life, kill him or slowly but sure I and my baby will be killed. Though pretending to be murdered is one I've yet to find out about. I've been whipped, slapped, punched, bitten and hit. But now it’s being written...
Almost eight years, I was being kept in a secure place. There is a place for keeping guilty people or criminal. All people call this place is jail. So cold… I’m living here with my confusion, desolation, and night mare.
“Yes, they are absolutely true”. I’m a prisoner right now. I live here with being forced by somebody and something unexpected. I live in a room in a prison that more than one prisoner are confined.
“It sucks. I hate it!”
“Oh my God, now my left eye is very hurt caused by my cell-mate was flaring up with hitting my face.”
I have been noticing things more. It seems everyone I look at is ignorant in some way.
I’m sitting on the dark cell corner alone. All night long, my mind was sailing with my thought. Now, my hope is only my daughter. I entrust her in one of the orphan houses. She’s only an 8-year-old girl now. I left her for almost 8 years ago when she’s already born.
When I imagine about her, my tears start to drop. Many questions to my mind! Who was giving her protection, security, affection? Did she able to survive without me next to her? I want to make a time machine and return to the past, I know that I’m not the only one in pain, but when I was noticed and thinking about my daughter I felt very embarrassed and I really hate that feeling. That’s because I’m afraid to convey my feeling, even though I suppress it in my head, I couldn't do anything about my heart. I want GOD gives me courage. When I’m alone and with my bad crazy thoughts, I worry about what I think of her. Now, I feel that I’m not myself; I’m not stronger or more confident. The time passed by.
It's getting near dawn when stars lights close their tired eyes
I will soon be with her to give my dawn surprise
I will always be with her when the stars start falling
I'm with her and the lights shining through on her face
I want to be with her till my tears are dried up
I've been waiting so long to be where I'm going
I love my daughter more than words can say
But I realize, that’s just my dream. I never can be near and stay next to her.
I will not soon be with her to give my dawn surprise
I will not always be with her when the stars start falling
I'm not with her until the lights shining through on her face
I will not to be with her till my tears are dried up
“Life is what we make it, if we think it sucks then it does. If we think it greats then it does. We got to get out there and do it, rather than just think about how we want our life to be. Ask ourselves, what we want to do in our life and just do it. Life could end at any moment and although we would not be alive to regret, we need to ask ourselves, never want to die without doing the things that we have wanted to do.”
“Life must move on!”
You know what?
You are my daughter… I have killed your father… Maybe you don’t want me to be your mother. That’s why I never want to meet and tell you the truth, but. I realize that my end is near.
This is end of my chapter in my life. This is the last letter I write to you. By the time goes, you must know the truth. You are the only lovely one that I ever had in my life. Maybe you will hate me after reading this letter. I tell you all the truth here. I’m such a bad mom… Even, I never gave you my love, affection, kiss, and hug…
I live in my deep sadness…
Your unexpected mother.
That is the letter written by my mother, 10 years ago. Now, she’s dead. She was spending her lifetime in a jail. Now, I’m 18 years old, but I never know my mother at all…“Mom, I love you... I love you just the way you are.”
(Monday, February 04, 2008 5:51 PM)